Four years ago, I was forced to reset my life. A life that I never thought I would have to face. But losing my husband made my dreams shutter. I lost my future buried with him. At that time, I just turned 40. So, I guess the saying life begins at 40 applies to me. My life literally starts at 40. I was clueless about where to start and how I wanted to play out my life. It was so hard to restart with a big number in the front; it was 4-0 and three teenagers to raise.
The past three years were the most challenging as far as I could remember. Why is it more complex than before? Well, I think it was because I was carrying a big wound at the same time; I had to hold my three children, and they were no longer little kids. They all were teenagers. It means more considerable responsibility to structuring their future. I have to focus on planning and give directions to them on where to go. Especially at that time, my oldest was about to go to college. I feel like juggling many juggler balls and trying to maintain them so they do not fall. I was trying to figure out my new identity, roles, passion, and career. With all of that, at the same time, I have to find my way to progress in my healing process. I underestimated everything, which was not as easy as I thought. The grief took over psychologically and physically.
Fast forward to today, as I am celebrating 44 and reborn in many aspects of my life; the loss I experienced was the gain I have in many ways. I thought I lost it all. I thought I no longer had value in life. I thought from my lowest point, I will forever struggle at my lowest. But God never let that happen. He patiently awaits me to regain my strength, confidence, vision, and passion for life. Three years ago, when I challenged Him to take my life, I now think that was an act of fool. Now, I told Him I wanted to ensure that I did what He asked me before He called me home. I want to ensure I am not wasting my life in vain for what He has done for me and my family.
As I reflect, forty-four is a beautiful number. A number that brings me a turning point in life. Where I finally can see clearer. The clarity suddenly woke me up. By His grace, the life I thought I wasted became a lesson learned. My greatest gift for this year is to see some achievements from my children. Their academic achievements, maturity in characters, and how they see life made me so proud. The most important is for them to carry all the burden together as a family. There is a sense of unity, where we hold hands together to endure hardship. It’s only the second month of 2024, yet God granted me many things I asked for. Something I couldn’t even imagine if it wasn’t for God.
At last, Psalm 28:7 says, The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. That verse reflects my life. I have to depend on Him, and when I sing, it expresses my thanks to Him as He is such a wonderful Abba Father who guides and gives His mercy for me. As He adds a year into my life, I must keep learning to live and depend on Him.
